Resistance, Excuses, and Blame–Oh, My!
An unconscious defense mechanism
I was a fitness instructor for years and loved it. Mainly because there is a direct correlation between being physically fit and the effort involved. Effort in. Fitness out. It gave me control over my body. I quickly learned to appreciate the effort it takes to do resistance training.
What I was NOT always aware of were the unconscious pushbacks to fitness that so many people regularly deal with until I became a fitness instructor. You’re probably like “Ah, come on, Laura!”
But it’s true! As a dancer-turned-trainer, I LOVED lacing up my Nikes to go workout. I LOVED the exertion–the “endorphin buzz” as it’s called. And I didn’t mind sweating. So, yes! Tell me I should have known better, but the truth is that the mental blocks people face JUST TO GET TO THE GYM surprised me.
And it’s exactly what I want to address here.
Debbie Ford describes resistance as “an unconscious, protective, programmed defense mechanism.” Hmmm… Sounds intense, doesn’t it? Yep, but not impossible, and here’s why.
As humans, anything we refuse to accept causes internal resistance. It could be circumstances, people, behaviors, conditions, or thoughts we’re refusing to accept. But as long as we’re denying something, making something wrong, judging it as bad or scary, or wishing things were different than they are, resistance is the result.
And guess what?! Our dreams suffer because dreams have risk, and resistance is there to help avert risk.
Apply the fitness metaphor. We dream of being in shape or having better agility, mobility, and flexibility, but making those dreams a reality means that we must deal with these unconscious defense mechanisms that prevent us from exercising in the first place. How in the world will we ever get into shape if we’re always putting it off or finding ways out of actually exercising? We’ve got to deal with these programmed defenses to get moving and into shape.
It’s like the ever-popular children’s book I used to read to my daughter called We’re going on a bear hunt: we can’t go around, over, or under the different obstacles we face; we’ve got to go through them.
Amiright?
Welcome to midlife. Make yourself uncomfortable.
Dreams don’t die as we age. They intensify. And so does the resistance to those dreams. You might even say that our unconscious defenses are stronger than ever because they’re entrenched in mindsets we’ve had our entire lives. In some ways, achieving our dreams in midlife can be even harder because we’ve built up so many defenses to keep us from reaching them.
The problem is that resistance doesn’t protect us from getting hurt or from achieving our dreams. It actually binds us to the pain.
That reality slapped me in the face when I turned 50. “Welcome to midlife. Make yourself uncomfortable.” I had my own “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore” Dorothy moment!
Was I naive? Sure, but I mean, who in their 20s thinks, “Huh! I wonder what my dreams will be when I turn 50?” I sure wasn’t! I was too busy working out and dancing to Paula Abdul’s “Straight up.” (Psst! Not trying to brag here but being a dancer let me master that routine in an afternoon! )
Now that I’m here, I can see that midlife ABOUNDS with dreams and resistances to those dreams.
Here’s what I’ve seen in my coaching. Many midlife women are primed for AT LEAST one more career advancement because…why not?! We have this wealth of experience we can draw from that makes us perfect for leadership responsibilities. And yet–and YET–most midlife women I’ve coached are afraid to step into these leadership roles because of… Yep! You guessed it. Resistance.
The unconscious, programmed defense mechanism strikes again!
It’s like our resistance has it’s own army of “flying monkeys” working against us, making us more interested in living out someone else’s life than realizing we’ve got this amazing opportunity to apply our experience, share our wisdom, and supercharge our companies. IF we could find the courage to move through our resistance.
Here’s another: relationships. I’ve encountered so many midlife women wanting more from their current relationships or starting new romantic relationships. They’re dreaming of having a relationship like this person over here or a romance like that person over there, but getting them to take action toward any of these? Oh. My. Gosh. It’s like pulling teeth. They’re so entrenched in thoughts like “He’ll never…” or “I can’t …” Resistance. That’s what it is. Damn resistance.
And it’s so unfortunate because I found midlife really is a second childhood filled with awe and wonder!
Especially after I went through reinvention coaching.
Excuses, enter stage left and blame stage right
When I first deliberately began my personal growth journey, I faced two massive types of resistance: excuses and blame. I was resigned to think that all the hardships I was facing–including my Lyme disease–were other people’s fault. I blamed God, the Universe, my husband, and even Lyme disease itself for the anxious, crappy place I found myself in. I couldn’t workout or even walk outside at times! Put me right into Victim Mode-ville without a map to get out of OZ!! I was angry at Lyme disease for keeping me from exercise, my husband for moving us again, and God for… Well, where do I even begin?
Unfortunately, the more I clung to my excuses and blame, the more stuck and entrenched I became. It sucked. The vibrancy and vitality of my dreams were crushed. My unconscious defense mechanisms were in full force. I was drowning in overwhelm, incapacitated, and lost.
It wasn’t until I developed a kinder perspective toward myself and my life through reinvention practices that I was able to prevent the programmed responses from running the show.
And I’ve seen similar things with midlife women who come to me for help. They find themselves at midlife parroting excuses like “I don’t have enough time”; “It’s too risky!”; “I don’t know how”; “It’s too hard!”; or “I’m not good enough.” And they’re blaming everyone under the sun for what’s happened to them and the crappy place they’re in.
I’m NOT here to call you out but rather to say, “I get it. I see you. I want you to know it hasn’t been your fault all along.” Your programmed defense mechanism is responsible!
I could spend a lot of time riffing on all these things because it’s my jam as a coach, but I’m gonna cut right to the chase by saying two things: (1) you’ve got to get under the resistance, because there’s a much deeper reason for why you’re continually resisting what you know is best for you! And (2) what you bring to the table in terms of your creativity and the good you offer humanity is GOOD. In fact it’s awesome!
So what gives?
(Psst! Now would be a great time for me to give my stump speech on how tapping into your creative core is the best way to deal with this excuse because it teaches you to trust that what you have to offer is GOOD ENOUGH. I’ll leave it at a link though.) You want to learn more, click Creative Core for your free coaching call. I’d be glad to tell you all about it. If you don't think you're good enough, you'll also feel like you don’t have enough and never try to improve or reach your full potential.
What’s always beneath the resistance of excuses and blame?
We could go on and on until the cows come home about excuses and blame. They are limitless and really do speak to the brilliance of the human imagination! We can get on a roll with just about anything! But that would be missing the point. The point of looking at them is to address the real elephant in the room: your resistance shows up in the form of excuses, and blame and they become enablers! They ensure we avoid taking responsibility for our mindset and decisions.
It’s time to see pushing back against them as the path to our dreams.
There are several common factors beneath our excuses and blame, but the four I’ll focus on are fear, insecurity, not taking responsibility, and wanting to avoid consequences. Because I had all four of these.
Here’s a snapshot of how it went down.
In 2014, my husband came to me with a proposal: move to Arizona to pursue one of his dreams. The timing of this felt all wrong! Our daughter had just gone off to college, and I was chomping at the bit to throw myself into expanding my career as a fitness trainer. And I just landed my dream job as a cycle star! Why now? Why did he think now was the best time to pursue his dream when we had moved all over the world for his job already. But what could I say? It wasn’t like I was making the big bucks. So, I caved. I gave in because I was afraid of holding him back from pursuing his dreams. I felt insecure because if we stayed I’d feel the pressure of making good on my attempts to expand my fitness career. I felt–for a moment–an opportunity to stand up to him and take responsibility for my life and my career and my dreams. But then again–what if I couldn’t deliver? I didn’t want to shoulder the consequences from him or myself of not becoming as successful as I dreamed.
All of it caused me to feel uncomfortable, incompetent, powerless, and the victim. Of course, I showed no sign of carrying these feelings. I kept them tucked away and carried on being the supportive wife with a smile on my face.
I didn’t realize that each could be dismantled and that NOT dismantling them would derail my personal growth and success. When Lyme disease struck in my 50’s, my excuses and finger pointing skills were standing at the ready. I was ready to jump in and blame everyone else but myself for my crappy situation. I rationalized that it wasn’t MY fault, because how could it be?? Ouch!
The costs of giving into your resistance, excuses and blame
What so many people–and it’s NOT limited to women in midlife–fail to see is that giving into your resistance by creating excuses and pointing fingers can cost us tremendously, both in the short-term and long-term.
1. Missed opportunities
The first is that we’ll miss out on so many great opportunities. Think of it. That great and wonderful land of opportunity we encounter in midlife is ours for the taking IF we deal with those “unconscious, protective, programmed defense mechanisms.” When we make excuses and cast blame on others, we limit our opportunities for growth and success. That could mean that the job career advancement that your experience and expertise has been grooming you for all these years gets missed because you faced some internal resistance and didn’t find a way to level up!
We need midlife women in leadership positions, and you know it because we can make this world a better place!
2. Damage to relationships
You can’t believe for a moment that caving to my husband’s dream to move us again helped our marriage! It hurt, and I had to come to the place where I could see that the only one responsible for not speaking up was me. My husband’s not perfect, but he’s kind and loves me to death! He was simply dreaming because he’s human and that’s his right and responsibility. My decision to stay quiet–programmed since childhood to not rock the boat–strained our marriage, and I had to work really hard to get to the place where I could say that.
3. Negative self-image
This next one is especially dear to me. Excuses make you the victim, and a victim mentality WILL negatively impact your self-image and self-esteem, not to mention keeping you from achieving your dreams. No ifs, ands, or buts about it! I began to see myself as the victim of my husband’s decision to move again and a victim of Lyme disease. Did I feel weak, incapable, ashamed, and guilt-ridden? Yup! And my self-respect and confidence went swishing down the drain, too.
4. Stagnation
Excuses and blame will get us stuck in a rut of feeling unfulfilled and lacking direction. We’ll be sure to miss out on personal growth opportunities and continue to be unsatisfied with our lives because–get this!–we’re operating from the past instead of the future. I once heard someone say that rearview mirrors are for what’s behind you. We’ve got to find a way to look at the past while facing forward. Stagnation, on the other hand, feels like trying to drive forward while looking out the back window. You’re gonna wreck!
Have I mentioned missed opportunities? Don’t think I can hammer that one enough!
Concluding thoughts
All right, we’ve followed the yellow brick road to the end.
The message you need to hear from me is that excuses are sure-fire ways to CHECK. YOURSELF. OUT. OF. LIVING. You must make your life, as Debbie Ford calls it, an “excuse-free zone.” Excuses don’t jive with your bad-ass midlife self! But just as many people need a partner or trainer to help them get to their dream fitness level, many women in midlife need a coach to help them realize their dreams.
I have come to see midlife as a “great and wonderful land of opportunity”, but we are often still dealing with the shadow belief mindsets that we used in our 20s, 30s, and 40s. I know I was! It’s not as simple as recognizing your resistance and excuses and then forcing yourself to do the opposite.
How do I know? I’m a life coach who had a life coach. I’m speaking from experience and sharing that experience. The path to our dreams is tough but doable and done all the more quickly with some coaching.
Oh–I did a thing…I authored a chapter in a great resource book called The Entrepreneur’s Toolkit for Success, and it’s already an Amazon Best Seller! #1 in two categories. Grab your copy now!
Until next time,
Laura xxx